Innocence Lost

Before I start, yes, I do realize the title of this post sounds like a bad romance novel, but I've always been horrible with titles. For the subject matter that this post will entail, it was the only title I could really come up with.

Anyway, here lately I've been reflecting on the past 10 years of my life, scrutinizing details both big and small. One thing that really sticks out is the fact that, at age 12, all I wanted was knowledge. Not just any knowledge, mind you, but that one bit of knowledge that is gold to all middle school boys. Yeah, any guy reading this knows what I'm talking about. Sex. Well, I had my sources, and found out pretty much anything and everything there was to know about the subject. Needless to say it changed me, and I spent the rest of my middle school years and most of my high school years acting like a rabid pervert. As I sit here now, on the brink of turning 22, I mourn the loss of the innocence I had prior to my peaking curiosity. To a degree, I blame the fact that I joined the Boy Scouts for my undying interest in the subject. After all, that is where I found most of the knowledge I sought. There's another part of me, though, that knows I would have eventually become curious regardless. But had I found that curiosity naturally, would I have turned into the person I was for most of my teen years? Would I, as a result, have ended up being a horrible influence on several people who were innocent in and of themselves, one of whom is now the most important person in my life? I guess no one can really answer those questions for me. I had a choice of paths to walk 10 years ago, and there's no way to find out what would have been down the paths I didn't choose.

I guess in the end, the only thing left to do is to move forward. That's easier said than done, of course. Musing over the past seems to be human nature; we scrutinize and crucify ourselves for poor choices and mistakes that we can't do anything about now. Maybe, to some degree, we're all naturally masochistic. What I find funny about this whole thing, though, is that it was all started from watching an anime called Suzuka. Yeah, I know, it's kind of lame, but the male and female leads of the show had such an innocent air about them, and their relationship (which is actually reviewed more in the manga, seeing as the anime ends when they finally get together) is so innocent that I couldn't help but think about how I must have hurt the one most important to me by being a raging pervert when we first met. Furthermore, I know I changed her, and after reflecting on all of this I can't help but feel guilty.

The end result of all of this? I'd like to just go back to my point about not being able to change the past and just move on, but I know it's not that easy; it never is. I know I'll keep beating myself up for these choices until I find some kind of peace or resolution with myself. Such, I suppose, is the way of life. At the very least, I'm a bit wiser for my mistakes, and perhaps I'll choose better roads in the future. Maybe I already have.