Again, another lame title. I apologize.
I don't really maintain this blog that much. I had intended to when I started it; I was going to post CD reviews, anime reviews, and whatever else I felt like reviewing. Obviously that hasn't worked out (although I suppose I could change that at any time if I really wanted to). What it has become--for now, anyway--is a place for me to muse over my thoughts. Ironically, it seems a lot of the weighty thoughts that come to my mind are always inspired by anime; this one is no different.
I just finished watching the Shuffle! anime last night, and I'm left with this sense of depression and disappointment. The thing about it is, though, that it's not so much about the show. Yes, I would have rather seen Rin choose Sia, but it is what it is; he finally found is own happiness, and really not much changed in that regard. Rin finally chose someone to hook up with, but the other girls made it clear they weren't giving up. Same old romantic plot line, just more of a challenge. What really did it to me was 1) the changes some of the characters went through in the last handful of episodes and 2) the fact that Rin moved out. Let me explain.
Whenever I really get into an anime, I start relating heavily to the characters. No, that's wrong. I get into the anime more because I can relate to a character or several characters. In this case, I found myself relating to Rin for a number of reasons. While I was a little upset to see him choose Asa (nothing wrong with her character, just wouldn't have been my choice), I sort of shrugged it off and said "okay, fine". What did it to me, though, was Kaede's breakdown and Rin's subsequent decision to move out of the house. These events made me realize how close my own life was to going through some major changes (and also how much has already passed me by).
I'm 22 years old, and if I get accepted to the JET Program I'll be leaving my own home in less than a year. That fact never really hit me until Rin moved out; then realization took me over and reminded me that I had less than a year left to relax on my mother's couch and watch t.v. I have less than a year to enjoy the company of my friends. Of course, I'm not moving to Japan permanently; I'd be back after a year, but life will be entirely different at that point. Gone will be the days of my college career; I will no longer be a student in any sense of the word. Responsibility for myself and the need for my own place will be my reality. What's left of the easy days of my life is quickly coming to an end.
At the same time, after thinking back on the events of the show, I realize how much I missed out on in high school. I let those four years slip by me, and back then never thought twice of it. Looking back now, I wish I had taken the time to make more friends, to hang out with classmates after class and on the weekends, to just enjoy my teenage years. But, I didn't. I simply continued to wish for the day when I'd be free from high school, just letting time quickly pass me by. I feel like I've done the same with college too, and that I've had this realization too late. My grad courses are all online, save for one, so I have no real interaction with my fellow students. I'm still a student, of course, but I only know my classmates through a computer screen. I've lost any chance I had to rectify my mistakes.
All of this came from one anime, and more specifically the last few episodes of said anime. I find it odd that I've never realized any of this before, but maybe that's just life. Perhaps we just need something to cue us into these things. The fact of the matter is, though, that I watched these characters start out having these great friendships and fun times, which made me realize how much I allowed myself to miss out on (and that it was too late to really rectify it; that part of my life is basically past now), and then I watched the characters grow, and change, which, of course, cued me into how much my own life is about to change. Maybe I just connect to things way too much, or perhaps I'm just overly analytical, but I'd say that's some real weighty shit to take away from a show. I'm not really sure what else to say here; there's still plenty on my mind, but it all centers around the things I've already said. I apologize for the lack of structure or organization in this post; I just wanted to get my thoughts out there. Truth be told, this hasn't been as therapeutic as I thought it would; maybe I just need to deal with these issues on my own. Anyway, if you've read all of this, I thank you. Until next time.
Friday, September 25, 2009
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Innocence Lost
Before I start, yes, I do realize the title of this post sounds like a bad romance novel, but I've always been horrible with titles. For the subject matter that this post will entail, it was the only title I could really come up with.
Anyway, here lately I've been reflecting on the past 10 years of my life, scrutinizing details both big and small. One thing that really sticks out is the fact that, at age 12, all I wanted was knowledge. Not just any knowledge, mind you, but that one bit of knowledge that is gold to all middle school boys. Yeah, any guy reading this knows what I'm talking about. Sex. Well, I had my sources, and found out pretty much anything and everything there was to know about the subject. Needless to say it changed me, and I spent the rest of my middle school years and most of my high school years acting like a rabid pervert. As I sit here now, on the brink of turning 22, I mourn the loss of the innocence I had prior to my peaking curiosity. To a degree, I blame the fact that I joined the Boy Scouts for my undying interest in the subject. After all, that is where I found most of the knowledge I sought. There's another part of me, though, that knows I would have eventually become curious regardless. But had I found that curiosity naturally, would I have turned into the person I was for most of my teen years? Would I, as a result, have ended up being a horrible influence on several people who were innocent in and of themselves, one of whom is now the most important person in my life? I guess no one can really answer those questions for me. I had a choice of paths to walk 10 years ago, and there's no way to find out what would have been down the paths I didn't choose.
I guess in the end, the only thing left to do is to move forward. That's easier said than done, of course. Musing over the past seems to be human nature; we scrutinize and crucify ourselves for poor choices and mistakes that we can't do anything about now. Maybe, to some degree, we're all naturally masochistic. What I find funny about this whole thing, though, is that it was all started from watching an anime called Suzuka. Yeah, I know, it's kind of lame, but the male and female leads of the show had such an innocent air about them, and their relationship (which is actually reviewed more in the manga, seeing as the anime ends when they finally get together) is so innocent that I couldn't help but think about how I must have hurt the one most important to me by being a raging pervert when we first met. Furthermore, I know I changed her, and after reflecting on all of this I can't help but feel guilty.
The end result of all of this? I'd like to just go back to my point about not being able to change the past and just move on, but I know it's not that easy; it never is. I know I'll keep beating myself up for these choices until I find some kind of peace or resolution with myself. Such, I suppose, is the way of life. At the very least, I'm a bit wiser for my mistakes, and perhaps I'll choose better roads in the future. Maybe I already have.
Anyway, here lately I've been reflecting on the past 10 years of my life, scrutinizing details both big and small. One thing that really sticks out is the fact that, at age 12, all I wanted was knowledge. Not just any knowledge, mind you, but that one bit of knowledge that is gold to all middle school boys. Yeah, any guy reading this knows what I'm talking about. Sex. Well, I had my sources, and found out pretty much anything and everything there was to know about the subject. Needless to say it changed me, and I spent the rest of my middle school years and most of my high school years acting like a rabid pervert. As I sit here now, on the brink of turning 22, I mourn the loss of the innocence I had prior to my peaking curiosity. To a degree, I blame the fact that I joined the Boy Scouts for my undying interest in the subject. After all, that is where I found most of the knowledge I sought. There's another part of me, though, that knows I would have eventually become curious regardless. But had I found that curiosity naturally, would I have turned into the person I was for most of my teen years? Would I, as a result, have ended up being a horrible influence on several people who were innocent in and of themselves, one of whom is now the most important person in my life? I guess no one can really answer those questions for me. I had a choice of paths to walk 10 years ago, and there's no way to find out what would have been down the paths I didn't choose.
I guess in the end, the only thing left to do is to move forward. That's easier said than done, of course. Musing over the past seems to be human nature; we scrutinize and crucify ourselves for poor choices and mistakes that we can't do anything about now. Maybe, to some degree, we're all naturally masochistic. What I find funny about this whole thing, though, is that it was all started from watching an anime called Suzuka. Yeah, I know, it's kind of lame, but the male and female leads of the show had such an innocent air about them, and their relationship (which is actually reviewed more in the manga, seeing as the anime ends when they finally get together) is so innocent that I couldn't help but think about how I must have hurt the one most important to me by being a raging pervert when we first met. Furthermore, I know I changed her, and after reflecting on all of this I can't help but feel guilty.
The end result of all of this? I'd like to just go back to my point about not being able to change the past and just move on, but I know it's not that easy; it never is. I know I'll keep beating myself up for these choices until I find some kind of peace or resolution with myself. Such, I suppose, is the way of life. At the very least, I'm a bit wiser for my mistakes, and perhaps I'll choose better roads in the future. Maybe I already have.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
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